Monday, 3 October 2016

Gratitude

Today's gratitude post is an open letter to a man I used to love and continue to have strong feelings for, albeit different kinds of feelings now.

Dear MM,

As I was lying on the operating bed today for the same procedure which I did 5 years ago, thoughts of you came flooding uncontrollably.

For one, you broke up with me the day of my surgery 5 years ago. You were not apologetic. My heartache took a longer time to recover than my surgery wounds.

Last Summer, we got back together unexpectedly. Despite knowing that your love is like a burst of fireworks (it burns brightly but fizzles out quickly), I fell in love with you without care and consideration. I thought if we are given a second chance, we should make the most of it. I was looking forward to you making good on the the promises you made and the future we said we'll build.

As the Chinese saying goes, 计划赶不上变化 (loosely translated to The plans cannot keep up with the changes). Our paths separated with bad choices that brought upon undesirable consequences.

While I was reflecting, yet again, while my doctor prodded me, all memories came flooding back - the good, bad and ugly.

Let's go conquer the world together! And so we met in Belgium, Poland, Germany, Dominican Republic, Singapore, Italy, UK, Hong Kong, Japan and Kyrgyzstan where we laughed, ate, and danced to our hearts' delight. The good times always bring smiles in the darkest of hours.

I have always maintained that I'm afraid of pregnancy. Seeing my friends go through the experience makes me happy but scared at the same time. Instead of asking "What can I do to make you feel supported and less afraid of pregnancy?", you said, "You don't want kids and I want kids".

You slept with so many women and was even sleeping with others days before and after we go our separate ways on multiple occasions. You said, "I miss you and cannot stop thinking of you". You said, "I do not like that you are with another man". Yet, you feel like it's your prerogative to enjoy the comfort of many women since we are not in a committed relationship.

Instead of working through the issues we have, you said, "Being together is not the right thing anymore" because I don't fit into your plans.

You had 100 reasons why you loved me. A whole hundred. Yet, not a single one mattered.

While drowning in my own thoughts, there was a moment which I was holding my breath and my heartbeat dropped, causing a brief moment of alarm throughout the operating theater. "Breathe, Wynnii. Take deep breaths", my doctor said gently.

So as I was lying on the operating bed, my tears fell because of how uncomfortable the procedure was, and also, because of the cessation of my feelings for you.

I have come to accept that you won't be the generous, selfless, supportive, positive, respectful and understanding man I want to be with.

You must have your side of the story. I hope you are able to see mine through my lens, and hopefully aspire to become a better person. No, you are not a good person, and you just don't realise it yet.

So today, I am grateful that I am finally able to see you clearly for the person you are.

And I am grateful that I have gathered courage to move on. :)

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